POSITIVE

This is serious news!

I, honestly, have no idea what else to do but to write about it. Mom is scared, really scared but growing excited about it. Dad said he has been waiting my whole life for it. Megan said, "I seriously never thought you would say that." Scott is nervous about practicalities and Erica is just happy. Jaime told me she was so excited to read my words about it. My man is super excited about it. And, back to me, I just don't know what to do with myself.

But, it is true. I am going to have a Jungle Baby.

I know she didn't mean for it to bother me, and really it didn't, but, that was one of the first questions she asked me. "Are you going to have the baby in the jungle?" I know it all bothers her, and I accept that. My mom. I accept her and she accepts me, but really she is the biggest problem I have with this whole situation.

You see, I am pregnant and I live in Costa Rica. I will continue to live here (the jungle, according to Mom) during my pregnancy and so will Jungle Baby.  Life is great here: socialized medicine, fresh food, low cost of living, happy people, clean air, great surfing and more. All of these are enough for me, but, you see, I don't have a normal Mom, I have a Super Mom. Super Mom's kids don't move and spend their lives in the jungle, they don't get pregnant before they get married, they don't believe a house can be in a tree. Super Mom's kids do the exact opposite of what I do.

Despite our differences in logic, Super Mom does love me unconditionally, support me to the end and truly is responsible for my irresponsibility. I decided and vocalized many times throughout my life that I wouldn't have kids. I am an international educator and have devoted my life to helping kids get the education they deserve, when they don't get it. I have seen too many children forced to live without basics and it weighs heavily on my heart and mind. So, I was always going to help all those kids that already exist and not make more. About four years ago, in order to throw a curve ball yet again into Super Mom's life,  I sat her down and told her that I was giving up the "perfect, predictable" life I had formed and was running away to Costa Rica.

Despite where I live and the challenges it may bring, my Mom also set the bar way too high. She is Super Mom and I am not super anything. She has three kids, one daughter-in-law, a husband, two grandkids (well, almost two, Kaya is due any day now), five siblings, and numerous nieces and nephews. Somehow for all these years she has only taken care of all of us. She doesn't take care of herself and she wouldn't be selfish if her life depended on it.

I mean, she is the Mom who worked three jobs, never missed a track meet, swim meet, hockey game (in fact, never even forgot to bring the orange Gatorade, Twizzlers and orange slices, show up on time, help me stretch, talk me through the competition, do the same for my sister, and hit repeat, repeat, repeat), cook dinner, make us lunches with love notes, run us around town for  all the "things-that-high-schoolers-do-before-they-can-drive", help me through bad decisions and guide me to good ones, and I don't even know what else she did when I was out in the world being a girl who hid her life from Super Mom all those years. I decided, early on, that I was never going to be that good at being a Mom, so, I wasn't going to have kids.

And, I am scared to death of pain.

But, I met a great guy almost four years ago and lots of things that once seemed so concrete to me changed. He is Costa Rican and we have made a wonderful life together in the jungle. He wants kids and I want him. But, I am so selfish. I had plans and places to go and things to accomplish and I hate pain. But, recently we started talking a lot about growing old and I am so selfish, I want someone to want and need me when I am old. So, after years together,  I went off the pill and felt twinges of excitement. "If we had a baby..." conversations started to happen and it made me feel twinges inside.

Did I want to have a baby?

Well, that question was answered at the end of the first pill-free month. YES!
On Saturday, April 30th, I took a pregnancy test and it was POSITIVE.
(I really expected a long readjustment time from years of being on the pill, but as I should have known...nothing works out how I plan.)

I vomited for about 15 minutes, and immediately called my sister!